凯 Kai Vilmi

The Irrawaddy reports:

In a surprise move, and at extremely short notice, Burma’s generals have relocated the government’s ministries almost 400 km north of Rangoon to Pyinmana, central Burma. The order to move came late on Saturday, leaving shocked officials little time to pack and say their goodbyes before departing early the next morning.

Some local Burmese observers believe the decision was taken on the advice of astrologers who serve the notoriously superstitious generals — rumor has it Snr-Gen Than Shwe‘s trusted soothsayers have predicted bloodshed in Rangoon, necessitating relocation of the capital.

Rangoon, or Yangon, literally means “the end of strife” — a name bestowed by an 18th century Burmese king. But to the paranoid generals currently in charge, the capital is no longer a safe place. It is incontrovertibly doomed.

To escape misfortune the generals decided to leave. With a superstitious yell of “let’s go,” ministry officials left Rangoon in convoy at exactly 6:37am on November 6th.

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RANGOON, April 1 (“Agence Farce Presse”) — In a strange turn of events in authoritarian-ruled Burma, Senior General Than Shwe announced today on live Myanmar Television his new-found passion for French cooking.

Addressing a packed crowd at Burma’s premier military academy just outside of Mandalay in northern Burma, Than Shwe remarked that “we Myanmarese must learn a great deal from our friends and champions, the French, if we are to prosper in today’s world.”

“For centuries, the French have led the way in pioneering cuisine which has in turn led to great national pride and the envy of nations everywhere. The Myanmar people must emulate the French. We too must raise Myanmar’s standing in world with gastronomic diplomacy.”

Than Shwe revealed he had been taking cooking classes with the French head chef at Rangoon’s premier Trader’s Hotel.

“It comes down to oil,” the head of the Burmese army remarked. “The Myanmar people must endeavor to cook with oil in better, more innovative ways.”

In front of a backdrop of the Tri-colour and the Burmese flag, Sen. Gen. Than Shwe introduced a new government partnership with the French to rehaul Burma’s flailing cooking oil industry and organize French cooking master classes for generals.

The announcement was met with bitterness and dismay in junta opposition circles in neighboring Thailand and the West.

One leading opposition leader said “the Burmese people have long suffered under the junta’s meddling in cooking affairs.”

“We demand that the EU impose stringent sanctions against the junta’s cooking enterprises and restrict all visas for visiting French cooks to the country. French cooking will serve only to fill the general’s bellies with haute cuisine at the expense of the impoverished and hungry Burmese people.”

Read the original communiqué of the April 1 issue of the “Agence Farce Presse”…

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